Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
