All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
