i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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