So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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