my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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