I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
