someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
