the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
