So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
