Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
