i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
