I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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