i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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