explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
