i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
