I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
