I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
