when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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