I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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