She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
