My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this will be a night to untag.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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