Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
