just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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