I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
