This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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