non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
