I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
