stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize