i already hear my dad disowning me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
