we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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