I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
