i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
