No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
