Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
