took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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