Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
