i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just had sex bonerless
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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