i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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