very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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