I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
