so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
