Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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