perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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