I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
