you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
