there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize