This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
