Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
