Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
