so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
