Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
