Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
