thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
