I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
