I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Are we still banned from the library?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
