actually, I'm a sock model
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
