im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
