we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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