life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
