Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize