So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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